Let me introduce myself. My name is Bud Light and I am the CEO of PerformanceRocks.com. If you don’t know about us, we are the largest manufacturers of performance enhancing drugs. No, not that performance, you dirty mind. Recently we came out with a drug named ‘iPerformTM’ that would help you to participate in a Toastmasters meeting much more effectively. You see, everybody likes this ‘i’ these days, so we thought of trying our luck with it.
Coming back to the drug, this small pill looks exactly like TUMS and comes in a beautiful Jar, which has all the curves that you need for that extra motivation.
And it is not made in China, but in Afghanistan.
We conducted a survey of nearly 5 million men and women who attend Toastmasters in China to study the performance of our much anticipated drug.
The results were hugely inspiring:
- 27% said they have taken their kids off school and have enrolled them in Toastmasters
- 18% complained of not getting to speak in every meeting. When they did get a chance, they kept on answering until they were dragged out after half an hour
- 24% said they would run for next Presidential elections though they don’t like humiliating their opponents. Wow!
- 31% mentioned winning arguments against their spouses, which they never did earlier. That’s a huge plus, I guess
These results are equally applicable in the US, since it is anyway difficult to recognize an American versus a Chinese in the United States.
Now you may ask why we went to China to conduct this survey. Guess what, Cost factor! We spent a whopping 73% less on the survey in China than had we done it in the US. With the saved money, we can improve many kinds of performance. Yes, even that performance!
Coming to the Dosage, we recommend you take one Pill right when you get up on the day of your Toastmasters meeting and continue taking one pill every hour till you enter your meeting. But, do not exceed the count by 24 pills in a day, unless you want to clear your stomach and enjoy being in the loo.
Otherwise, I am very happy to report that there are only a few minor side-effects of this medicine. And to study them, we went to India for research for the very same reasons that we had for China.
Some of the issues reported were:
- 7% of the respondents mentioned after winning the arguments against their spouses, they had to eat and sleep outside for a few days
- 40% blamed their bad performance in Toastmasters on their bosses at work and some even mentioned hitting their co-workers
- 31% said they have been attending the meetings even in their dreams
- 22% mentioned their attraction to the opposite sex has increased many times. A couple of them are even thinking of being a Porn Star
Talking about the Price: Keeping in view the reach of Toastmasters and realizing the benefits that this drug can have on the world GDP, we have priced it reasonably at 200$ for this Jar that should last for almost a month, unless you get too excited.
Recently we tied up with Victoria’s Secret for promotion. And they would give you a jar free if you shop undergarments worth 300$ from them. Of course, we are not leaving the excitement just for women. For men, we are in talks with Playboy, so they will give you the same jar free with a 2-year subscription.
We are also in talks with few prominent members of Congress, so they could talk about our product during their speeches and especially during their campaigns.
I see some of you smiling and getting excited about the Product. Yeah? Well, that’s what we can do to your career.
Now, before you doze off, I am going to request you to please leave a comment for us. This will help us improve, which in turn will rock your future.